His Story...

After a good long two months, I think it’s about time to update the blog that has only seen two posts in its history… And, so, here we go into the great mighty blog #3… Hold on, this one dives deep.

These past weeks my heart has been burdened. A heavy feeling lingers and doesn’t seem to ever fully diminish. As I look for the cause of this weight, there are so many things that lay heavy from weeks that have gone by. Some days they are heavier than others. But, as I search to find relief, none is to be found. God has me in this place for a purpose. His purpose is perfect, this I know. Yet, as I sit and write, I wonder what purpose does he have in store for me, for my family? We have a vast and great story; we have overcome many things with his perfect grace. There is so much to be thankful for. Yet, my heart is heavy.

The weights of many things multiply and it seems as though as one comes to find the sweet relief that our Savior offers, another one looms in the distance. So, burden, why do you linger? Why do you stay?

I look into all the possible things as the cause of this heaviness, and yet there is one thing that remains constant. It’s the one thing that I fight. My flesh fights it. This is not my story, but the one who created me. Yet, I hide from the details of how good our God is. I talk about my story as though it is just fact. But that’s where I am broken. That’s where I am burdened. In the depths of my soul I cry out for him to change it, to make it different. To go back and change that day, make me see something different that would have changed this story.

But, He doesn’t. He set this forth to be HIS story. My history is His Story. He reminds me daily that this story is a story of hope. My flesh says it’s a story of pain. This certainly couldn’t be a reality, this story of His or of mine. Yet it is. It’s our reality and it’s His story. He thought I could handle it, I presume. I have a valid argument as to why he chose the wrong girl. I am nothing but weak. I am nothing but a ball of hot mess.

But, as I sit here and write, pouring out my very secret thoughts from the depths of me, I am reminded of God’s continuous faithfulness. Even when I feel burdened, turn my gaze from his and turn away, he’s there, waiting. Isn’t that the beauty of our relationship with Christ? We rejected Him at the cross, yet He died… for us. We turn from His father, yet He still sent his Son… for us. We have a relationship with Him, turn away, and yet He waits faithfully. His love never ends. Yet, why do I reject this love? I feel so undeserving of it. It’s too great for me. He’s worked miracles in my life and I still sob in the midst of him questioning why? Yet, he gave me my heart’s desire. He knew when I wept out in despair. He knew when I was told there was no hope. He knew what would come to be. He knew before that day. He knows now. He knows tomorrow. He knows every second of every day. Yet, here I am, burdened, trying to carry it by myself. But, I can’t. I need him, and so desperately do I need him.

I’m reminded that it’s in the small things that we see Him. As I am writing, a song quietly plays over the speakers. A song I know so well. A song of his promise. “From The Inside Out” playing as I ponder his purpose for me. It’s perfect for this moment. It sings “A thousand times I’ve failed, still your mercy remains, should I stumble again, still I’m caught in your grace. Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades, never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame.” (Hillsong United, From The Inside Out, United We Stand CD).

Perfect words in this quiet moment. It couldn’t describe me better: although I fail, and fail daily, he loves me. He builds my story. He doesn’t take it away, he increases it because it is not supposed to be my story of overcoming hardship, trials and burdens, it’s his. His story of getting me through. His story of hope when I feel so very hopeless. His story of grace, the grace that is so undeserved. He loves me even when I turn away. Another favorite song of mine echoes through my thoughts that “when my world is shaking, Heaven stands. And when my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.” (JJ Heller, Your Hands, Painted Red CD) When things feel hopeless, Heaven stands. He does not waver in my faithlessness, he remains.

So, on this Saturday night, through a blog and a couple songs, he reminds me that he takes me by the hand and leads me. The lost, the burdened, the weary, he takes us and leads us. So, to this I say, it is not my story, but His. He gets me through. He gets me through with his promises found in His Word; through songs played as I sit in despair; through friends sweet encouragement; through my families never ending love. He gets me through when I can’t see any longer. His amazing grace. His undeserving favor for me. His undeserving love for me and for you.

Maybe you don’t have a relationship with God. Maybe you do, but you know what I speak of. Maybe you feel weak, weary, burdened or lost. May I encourage you that there is a God who will take you by the hand when you are without hope. A God whose love for you is unceasing. A God who wants to make your story, a story of His. Of His perfect grace, of His enduring love, of His undying hope. May you turn to Him and bow your knee in surrender. He knows you. He desires you. He has taken a girl who has a vast story and yet still loves her when she is broken. He took a baby that shouldn’t be and said that she is. She is His. You are His. May you find comfort in Him. May we find comfort in Him together. There is no one like our God. I surrender my story as His. May you join with me in surrender and make your story, His story.

Psalm 50:15 - "Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory."